for the love of my life.

i feel very lost. every two seconds i find myself thinking about him. wanting so badly to talk to him but my efforts go unanswered. it hurts right down to my toes. my breathing begins to get heavy and i feel as if I'm a helpless child not in control of any aspect of my own life. i panic and become so wrapped up in it that it drives me crazy. from tears to the destruction of my bedroom. that bedroom. that room where my whole love affair happened. i get so caught up in the memories that i fall to my bed and without notice fall asleep. i live every moment over. every minute that my mind can go to. but when i wake to reality it depresses me. I'm sad to see what reality is. sad to see where we let this go. i have always felt like there was something we could have changed. but i try to stray from those thought because, honestly, i wouldn't change a moment. every moment led to the next and either if it was with a tear or a smile it was magical. it consumes me. it becomes the very person that i am and i give my life and soul to everything that we were. i surrender everything that i don't want to be for everything that i loved. him. i put myself in a place of venerability knowing, very well, what i was getting into. but in my mind, my current and past mind, i would like to think that it was all worth it. worth everything that ever happened because without any further thought he helped me become this person. this person that i love being. but without him i don't know how to be that. i feel like i cant be that. i feel as if being that with somebody else is a self proclaimed sin of the heart. giving myself to somebody else the way i gave myself to him would ultimately break his heart and with every moment i know it would break mine. there is something to be said when your with someone else but the only thinking about the one who isn't here. and some say he isn't meant to be but how could he not when he came back every single time. i guess i have some things to figure out. i want him back but what he wants is a mystery that i cant figure out yet. although my best friend says " looking at you two together is wonderful. you two adore each other and i don't even know how you guys could think about being with anyone else but each other" and with those words i fall back in love with him because even outsiders could see it. to have the courage, to try to express my true feelings and actually ask him, without hesitation, to make me that person i love again is a battle all its own. but its a battle i am willing to fight, for the love of my life.

What Have I Become ?

Delight in the eyes that look back at mine in the mirror is long gone. Constantly I fight for the truth within myself but even I cant seem to grasp or show it. I cant seem to see myself anymore because the lies make the reflection so blurry. The tears that flow up from my heart crowd around my eyes. They burn with intensity because I'm staring at something i don't want to be. The mist fades everything that i have ever dreamed and now all I see is a nightmare. The monster that has come to take my soul. To ruin my existence. To let me live no longer. What have I become ?

shhhhh..!

To say that i have never been to this point would be a bold lie. i have always been here. i have always been in the position where I'm closed into my little box and that, being the only reason and way that I'm "OK". me being open and giving from my soul and my heart right now seems like the further thing from an option. i refuse to give myself that option. the only option i am giving myself, for the moment, is being completely and utterly alone and to myself. i will be the only one who knows my secrets. i will be the only one who sees me cry. I'm to the point now that I'm so lost that each day i struggle to get out of bed. I'm putting on this huge front for everyone just so i can maintain being alone. being safe. if i don't let anyone in then who will or could hurt me? nobody but me. I'll keep it all inside because its my only choice. its the only way that i can keep my sanity.

my best friends don't even know me anymore. my mother questions everything i do. guys blatantly tell me that they don't trust me for the simple fact that i tell the truth but i just wont open myself up so i must be hiding something. my relationship with "the love of my life" is struggling. my life is spiraling out of control.

i used to be so happy. so open to telling people exactly how i feel because it wasn't bad. but now, all i do is say "whatever" and write in my journal all of my disturbing thoughts and worries. my hopes and dreams. my feelings and regrets. now, i feel like nothing but a person who has nowhere to belong. no one to love. and nothing else to give the world but words that will never be heard or read.

I'm scared. I'm scared that behind every corner there is something or someone there to hurt me and crush my every dream. I'm scared that i wont make it. that all the things that i want to accomplish will never be. I'm scared of betrayal but because its happened to me so many times before that it will never become normal but only routine or an unwanted expectation. i try so hard to remain this good girl and stray from the things that will disappoint or cause retaliation but still i receive so much pain. i have forgiven so many people and so many actions that my tank is now running on empty. I'm sick to my stomach for blaming myself and just dealing with it but how could i not blame myself when I'm the one who opened up and let this happen in the first place.

therefor I'm done with everyone. I'm keeping everyone at arms length because that's the only way i feel safe. that's the only way i can breath smoothly. sorry to generalize but nobody is out of that category. call me crazy but remember your the one who made me this way.

Until...

You know, stuff is just stuff until every time you touch it your body is overwhelmed with the memory of how you got it. Words are just words until you really mean them and when you speak them your heart cries. Feelings are just feelings until you grasp it and make your life better by enhancing them. Seeing is only seeing until your eyes only want to see the love of your life. Breathing is just breathing until you fear losing it. Living is just existing until you find your purpose.