concentration - no hesitation ♥

i am extremely ready for school. this year i am finally going to be a senior and I'm so happy. i have anew outlook on school, probably because all my friends are going off to college now, and i think of this as my one chance to determine the next four years of my life.

since i don't have a boyfriend or anything of the sort I'm not really going to have boy drama. you know, the occasional fights and depression, that could steer me in the wrong direction. not too concerned, at this point, in finding or looking for someone to be my boyfriend either.

my home situation is a weird one but i plan to just shut my mouth, do what I'm suppose to do and get where i need to go without drama. i just don't need and can not handle the stress. i just want everything to go smooth so i can stay focused and keep my head on straight.

I'm ready to get this show on the road !

Update on Life...

i haven't been able to blog in about a week or two and i have been kinda lost without it, so here is my basic update :

i have successfully, but shamefully, physically or emotionally hurt everyone in my family. i think and have proven that my anger is out of control but only when people try to control or change me. i have been in control of every aspect of my life for a while now and seeing that me becoming legally grown is coming up pretty fast i am just becoming more and more attached to this "control". when you try to control my life, my emotions, my activities or my property i lose all knowledge of you being, in anyway, related to me. not being in control is the scariest thing to me because for 3 years of my life i was not in control of a certain situation and i promised myself I would never go back there again. therefor, it causes acts of violence and rage on my end but i don't blame myself because its the people who know me best and know where the edge is that push me over it.

i have also come to terms with my relationship, or lack of relationship, with people and i do not stress over it as much. actually, i don't even talk about my friendships or relationships with anybody, which is very odd for me. i would rather everyone in my life stay separate then to mix them up and have one know about the other or what have you. separate is working very well but for some odd reason i feel like I'm keeping everything my dirty-little-secret. but hey, i cant tell everything.

i am very much pushing toward leaving home but since i have nowhere else to live that plan is dead. i just think i work better when I'm not home with all of the tension. this house holds so many bad memories, just like the last one did, and i just feel like I'm in a jail house instead of my home. but none-the-less i have very good memories here, just not with the people who live here. most of the time i stay because my best friend lives around the corner or because the walls of my room are covered with everything that is "Kiara". but when its my time to leave i will and i will never look back.

other than that i think i have been very mellow. i don't say much or do much i just sit here and wait, i guess. wait for something to cross my mind and write about it. and then i feel better =)

Alone - The Good and The Bad .

its very sad to feel like completely alone. crazy that i have so many people that would love to be around me but i just want to be around that one special person so they get ignored. i know that is very mean of me to do but i really can not help it. i just don't want to waste my time hanging out with someone i know isn't going to last a very long time, someone who will leave or someone i really sincerely don't want to be around. that would be even meaner of me. i have to be honest with myself and everybody else. i only want to be with the ones i love and that i know love me, everyone else are just simply not that important in my life. i mean I'm not the only one who thinks that. they think the same about me. they only call me when they need something, have nothing else to do or cant sleep and know that i stay up very late. if that's the only time you feel the need to talk to me then obviously i am not that important in your life either. I'm sick and tired of feeling like that so i refuse to even humor or entertain the idea of having occasional friends. sometimes i want more friends but they are so hard to find now that i just don't even bother. and besides, i know a good friend when i see one so if it is meant to be then it will most definitely be that. and right about now being alone in the world is just fine with me. just keeping it all to myself, and my blog, gives me the time off from the drama and constant effort i have to put forward to make everyone that is important in my life feel important. i just lost my best friend, who is a guy, because he didn't feel appreciated, loved and cared about by me and if that's not a sign that i need to take a break and recollect myself then i don't know what it. I'm emotionally and mentally tired, at best. and this time to myself can either make or break friendships and relationships that i proceed with but if they don't understand that then i don't need them in my life anyway.

Go Figure...=(

i think that sometimes people in my life dont understand me, the way i act, my reason or intentions, and it hurts. it hurts because i love all the people in my life with all my heart. i keep these people around because i feel like i might have a chance at being sane if they are there. but they dont understand that. they dont understand how it feels. with people leaving me on a daily bases, the way people think about me, the way i am truly taken for a fools makes me insane.

i dont know what they expect from me. to praise you and tell you how thankful i am for having you in my life my every waking moment, even though you do far from the same. beg for you to stay and beg for your forgiveness whenever i make one little mistake or when you take my playfulness the wrong way. people must not think i have feelings. that even though i portray myself as this tough girl that i too have my moments of weakness. i have moments where i get lost and just need somebody to push through it with me instead of getting upset with me.

but it has never gotten to this point until now, obviously. it has never been to the point where you threaten to, within minutes, walk out of my life if i dont get myself together. how is that fair? so i am not aloud to be stressed out and sometimes lose my head for risk of losing you? i completely understand that i do take my feelings and stress out on some people but if you know im already stressed dont take the things i may say to heart. just let it go. and the things that OTHER people might do or say to you DO NOT make it ALL seem like MY fault.

im so lost at this point that i dont know what to do or say to anybody. i guess i'll just handle my problems by myself because the other way it obviously not the way it is suppose to be. the people who say they would be here forever are the people who seem to walk away, go figure.

My Opinion...♥

Frankly, I get the feeling that my view and take of the world and my life is illegal to most Christians.

I believe that God gave us free will to see how different we all can be. To see how far we could go on our own. The bible, in my honest opinion, is only a suggestion, or a test to see who would live by the words that someone wrote or live their lives the way they wanted, of course with sensible judgment and common sense. I live my life freely and have become my own person. Never have i lived by the words of the book because my life, frankly, contradicted everything that it was. What most people who live by those printed words don't understand is that everyone is not in the same situation. Not everyone can live exactly the way the book supposedly wants us all to live. It just isn't that easy.


But do you realize that if we all lived by those words that we all would be exactly the same? that we would have no individuality other than how we look? do you realize that the term "opposites attract" would be so far out the window? we would all be the same. one mind, one soul. i frankly don't understand how that would benefit any of us. we are all different for a reason. all on different paths because if we weren't the world would have never made it to this advanced stage to begin with. and if God wanted to control us free will wouldn't even be an option to begin with. we are given this one special chance to prove that we can do the best with what we are given. be individually superb.


And another thing, I'm sure God didn't tell these "christian" people to go around and tell people that are completely happy, and if not happy then at least accepting, with their lives that they are wrong! excuse me, but that is rude and quiet disrespectful. how dare one human being tell another human being that their life is simply not right without any background information. I believe it says "thou who is without sin cast the first stone" you idiots! I have been prejudged so many times for the things i wear, how i talk, laughing, my musical preferences and etc. by those who do not know me in the least bit. nobody knows my struggle. but yet they say they are just doing what God told them. i beg of you, spare me the bull feces! I respect the struggle of others, therefore i do not judge, which is what everyone should do but hey, free will and a right to ones own opinion.


I shall NOT let another lead and live my life for me or i will not only be disappointing God but failing myself. defeating my own purpose of being here on Earth. I believe in my heart of hearts I am a good person. I believe i make sensible and good decisions. I love God and I do believe that there is a God and the day i die I will face him and finally get the chance to explain to him my actions, like he doesn't already know, and he will forgive me for my sins, if they are even that. I believe in myself as an individual and believe my true purpose is to be the best ME I can be. and as long and i live up to my own expectations I will never fail myself, therefor I will never disappoint Him. My free will is just that and i will use it to the fullest extent. I will use my knowledge, experience, sensible judgement and common sense. And most importantly I will never regret and apologize for the things I do for if I use these things right then every decision is justified.

To Each Its Own

Completes Me...♥

sometimes i hate my life. i hate how somethings turn out and some of the decision i and other people have made have forever effected my life. but i just try to look at things the way that one special guy always said to. he has always told me "things have to get worse before they get better" and i have always found that to help me get through and over situations. he always told me "you can never stop because i will never let you. i will always be there to catch you and put you back where i know you belong". i loved those words. i live by them when I'm down on myself, somewhat fearing that he would be disappointed in me if i were to stop or give up on myself. and if i didn't have encouragement before i sure do have it now. he is the light and love of my life that keeps me living, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

when we are not together, not speaking to one another i feel as if i don't have feelings at all. nothing gets to me and i can just let everything go. but with him its this constant want and need. this desire and passion. an occastional struggle that inspires most of my writing. he makes me human, in a way. he gives me my heart. its something about him that completes me.