Update on Life...

i haven't been able to blog in about a week or two and i have been kinda lost without it, so here is my basic update :

i have successfully, but shamefully, physically or emotionally hurt everyone in my family. i think and have proven that my anger is out of control but only when people try to control or change me. i have been in control of every aspect of my life for a while now and seeing that me becoming legally grown is coming up pretty fast i am just becoming more and more attached to this "control". when you try to control my life, my emotions, my activities or my property i lose all knowledge of you being, in anyway, related to me. not being in control is the scariest thing to me because for 3 years of my life i was not in control of a certain situation and i promised myself I would never go back there again. therefor, it causes acts of violence and rage on my end but i don't blame myself because its the people who know me best and know where the edge is that push me over it.

i have also come to terms with my relationship, or lack of relationship, with people and i do not stress over it as much. actually, i don't even talk about my friendships or relationships with anybody, which is very odd for me. i would rather everyone in my life stay separate then to mix them up and have one know about the other or what have you. separate is working very well but for some odd reason i feel like I'm keeping everything my dirty-little-secret. but hey, i cant tell everything.

i am very much pushing toward leaving home but since i have nowhere else to live that plan is dead. i just think i work better when I'm not home with all of the tension. this house holds so many bad memories, just like the last one did, and i just feel like I'm in a jail house instead of my home. but none-the-less i have very good memories here, just not with the people who live here. most of the time i stay because my best friend lives around the corner or because the walls of my room are covered with everything that is "Kiara". but when its my time to leave i will and i will never look back.

other than that i think i have been very mellow. i don't say much or do much i just sit here and wait, i guess. wait for something to cross my mind and write about it. and then i feel better =)