Doesn't Last Forever...♥

I was sitting here thinking about that guy again. thinking about how all of the songs I love remind me of a specific moment that we spent together, or apart. how i have forever attached myself to the music, and him. am i crazy ?

I always thought i was. ever since i met him he has always said i was "bi-polar", but i don't really believe that. I'm a girl so i mean i am entitled to my mood swings every once in a while, but i don't have an illness. its not that bad. I think its the love that made me crazy. it made me hunger for something I always wanted but I never sought out to find it, and when i did, i just wanted it that much more.

Ever since I was a little girl i dreamed of how someone would come and save me, much like fairy tales about sleepy beauty and so on. i would pray to God every night that one day someone would come along and make everything alright. make me forget all my nightmares and always make me happy, no matter the weather. I was in need of saving at the time. constantly watching my every move and planning my everyday in my own home killed me a little bit each and everyday. I never had a true childhood. never had a worry free day. everything was stressed, everything was wrong. i grew up faster than anybody should have to.

but i found love in him, love in music and love in writing. i found my escape in these three things. so as i aged, i combined the three. i wrote and sang about the love we shared. about the time we spent 'together'. i dedicated many songs to him. sang sweet melody's in his ear on those sleepless nights. i wrote him many letters on how much of it all meant to me. i gave all my love to him. everything.

but now all i have is the music, the old letters and the memories. all i have is what used to be. i wander away from reality with these things and dream him. i can still smell his breath and feel his hand on my cheek. still feel his body in my bed in the midst of night. i still cry tears of happiness and pain listening to the songs we sang to each other. still laugh out loud when i think of his voice and those not-so-funny jokes. still smile when i think of how strong the words he spoke and his expectations made me. and at special times i can feel his love floating in the air and it warms my heart and i cry a single tear for the lost of the love of my life. but as i slip back into reality, i pick myself up and go on with my day.

"tis better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all"...♥

Morning Tears

this morning, around 6 o'clock til around 7 o'clock, i was crying my eyes, heart and soul out.

i have this 'thing' i do where, to get all my emotional stress out, i talk to out loud in my room alone and just say whatever it is that is bugging me. this time i talked about how much i changed and how those changes took place. basically what I'm trying to say is i talked about what makes me 'ME'.

when i got to the end i could hardly talk, my chest was burning and i could hardly see out of my eyes. i noticed that my father and this 'guy' are the same, in the way they treat me anyway. my dad has never just exclusively been there ever since i was 5 years old. he missed a lot but never tried to make any of it up. he left things the way they were and i could never understand why. but when i got older, around 15 and 16 i just decided i would be the one to come back into his life. i love my daddy very much but i don't know if he loves me. but, whenever i go around him i never give him grief about the past. never try to make him cry or pay for what he did, or didn't do. i am just so happy to finally be around him and spend time with him that i just let it go. like a simple "sorry i wasn't there" makes it all better. and no matter how bad he hurts me or how much he isn't around, i still love him with all my heart and i would never want to hurt his feelings.

same goes for the guy. i mean he has been here for the last 4 years of my life, off and on, in and out. but he, like my father, leaves without explanation or notice. they both say "i love you and i wanted to talk to you but i didn't think you wanted to talk to me". both give me empty promises and false hope. but they both own all of my love. both are always always forgiven and always on my mind. and i treat them the same. i never make them feel bad about leaving, even when i feel horrible. i just cant seem to do it. im always the one, at the end, playing the role of "fool". breaking down time after time. but i always always give them another chance, for reasons i do not know. i guess, i just have this burning hope that maybe this time they will stick around and i will finally be completely happy, which is never the case. loving someone, who isnt around anymore, hurts but i do it everyday of my life.

when i really want to say "fuck you cause you fucked up my life and you don't show, in any way, that you actually give a shit about me or my feelings", all that comes out is "its OK, i love you".

i guess that line "you will fall in love with someone just like your father" is true.

Ignoring - Not Fixing

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm just fine and peachy when i know damn well that I'm just dying inside. i mean not literally, of course, but i kinda feel lost. i just wish that i had closure from the whole thing. with everything that happen i still feel like i cant get over it, you know? i feel like any minute he might call or text me but , of course, that's not the case because i seriously doubt he is even thinking about me and if he is he isn't going to act on it, of course not because OBVIOUSLY I'm not worth it.

to just stop talking to someone is by far the most rude thing in the world, but it proves that the person is to afraid to confront you and actually tell you whats going on and/or there is no reason for the insensitive action, or lack of. some people just can not be honest and up-front. but, of course, i am VERY optimistic. i take it as "sparing my feelings" completely ignoring the fact that my feelings are hurt even more so when i am ignored. but i suck it up and keep it positive.

honestly, i need closure. i need to know that there is no possibility of "us" again. i need to know that he no longer loves me and that he wants nothing else to do with me. then maybe, just maybe, i can just let it all go. let myself get over it instead of just pretending that i already am. because right now I'm just guessing. playing off of his actions, basically, and its not helping one bit. because guessing just ends me up here and confused, as usual. but i digress.

p.s. running away from your problems is not going to help or fix anything.

Well Deserved - Never Received

that line "everybody deserve/needs somebody" just does not apply to me.

many times people have told me that they love me. that they care a great deal about me. well, actions speak louder than words my dear. i just don't understand how someone can claim their unconditional love for me but run off and tell the next girl the same thing. or go off and have this relationship going. but you love me right? right.

at a very young age i learned that you don't pay much attention to what people say because most of the time its what they think they have to say and/or what they think you want them to say. most people just always know the right thing to say but there is no sincerity there. i have come across so many liars and I'm still not of age to vote. its a crying shame, literally. from fathers, stepfathers, mothers, boyfriends, family, teachers, principals, friends, and the occasional guy trying to pick me up off the street or computer. the truth isn't anything like the insincere and completely false words pouring out of their mouths.

and I'm not one of those people who has been hurt and scared so bad that i think that everyone is a liar. i am not the one to prejudge. i give nearly everyone a chance to prove themselves, which wouldn't have to happen if they wouldn't start off with giving me false hope and empty promises. but time after time and chance after chance i am always playing the role of the fool at the end. crying my eyes out over how stupid i feel and how hurt i actually am. but hey, that's just how it goes and that's how it has always been.

but my question is, when am i really going to get what i deserve because i know damn well i don't deserve the everyday pain of lies and deceit and the sleepless tear-filled nights. if everyone deserves happiness then where the hell is mine at? i try so hard to keep it together but sometimes i feel like why should i be the only one trying, and crying for that matter. although i don't think sharing pain, in anyway, is fun but come on I'm not the only one in these 'relationships'. sometimes i am so happy with everything but then its like someone just stumps on it until I'm just miserable again.

i believe with the unbearable pain and heartache i have went through i deserve everything that my dreams hold, but i seem to never receive what i know i deserve. although i am happy with myself i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. you would think God would finally give me my chance. but hey, that's just how it goes.

The Ugly Truth

so i guess I'm going to do my first of many MOVIE REVIEWS.

today i went to the movies, alone might i add, and it felt very good to get out of the house and not necessarily be around anyone, well that i knew anyway. i have attempted to do this only one other time and it was more of an alone feeling that came over me then, glad it didn't happen this time.

well the movie THE UGLY TRUTH was very very good. I'm not a movie critic but i found it to be very entertaining. from the start it got every bit of my attention, i don't know if that had anything to do with me sitting in front of a huge screen, but yes my attention was very captured. none-the-less great movie. very good plot. r rated language but, hey, I'm a teenager I'm very much familiar with that. in a way it was predictable. you could see where it was heading but you just didn't know how they would get there. it was sooooo funny ! like the jokes were beyond hilarious and i could not keep from that aftershock giggle that i have. the romance and love almost made me cry a little. a reserved woman who was very obsessive and somewhat of a control freak trying to find mister perfect but didn't see him and he was right there. the story was wonderful. would definitely go and see it again.

i love Katherine Heigl! she is one of my most favorite actresses. she is very believable and seems to be very dedicated to her character(s). i respect her very much. oh and she is very funny ha ha keeps me laughing. i absolutely adored her in knocked up, which i will watch later tonight, her and Seth Rogan just make me day!

well i loved the movie and i advice those who understand obvious humor and enjoy sexually jokes but still love a great 'love story' to go and see it. yea you ! GO SEE IT, NOW ! =)

p.s. the truth, in the movie, was very vulgar haha and 'ugly' but it does not have to be.

now that the easy part is over its time for me to start healing. although there was no closure between me and him, his silence is all i need to know that what we have is over, but like i said its time for me to move on.

i have been through this so many times that now it has become somewhat routine. i heal very fast though, as long as i don't have someone negative there but since that is gone, i think i am going to be fine. i know i am going to be fine. i love and respect myself too much to let someone or thing keep me down for too long.

when i was a little girl i was hurt almost everyday and it was much worst than what i am going through now. i have grown into a strong little girl into a very strong, thoughtful, caring, loving and most of all forgiving young woman and i plan to move ahead in my quest to become the best journalist and writer anyone has ever heard of.

i know myself but i think i let people and my feelings get in the way. love makes me a fool so i think that's why i stray from it so much. i never asked for love but guys offer it to me and i took a chance with one guy and this is what i receive so until I'm much older I'm not trying that again [ live and love in the moment is so far out the window ]. nothing and no one else will get in the way of me losing myself again. i do things that i wouldn't normally do and i think i need to go back to 'me' and then everything will fall into place.

" God as my witness i will NEVER in my days make the same mistake again. i will live and learn. i know the right way and now i am on the road to internal and eternal peace with my heart and soul as the map and my hands and mind are the wheels im riding in on. i will make it. i will not stop. "

I cant walk away from someone who has never walked away from me. we have been through a lot and this is our very first best friend argument thing so we must move on. ♥

Its Not My Situation - Its My Life ; ♥

it always sucks to have someone walk out of your life, but i think it sucks more to have to actually kick someone out of it. either way their gone. i have to deal with so much now but the worst part is that i have to deal with this alone now. i have to figure out everything alone because now I have nobody that I'm close to. i used to always have an escape. i could step away from everything and everyone and just be happy and now i cant and its killing me.

i used to lay in his arms and listen to his voice and just smile. we didn't have to talk we could just feel the love between us. but an outside factor that didn't matter, that didn't understand, that had nothing to do with the LIFE we had has killed that. has put so much strain on it that now i don't know if I'm ever going to feel that again. and it was the person that was most close to ME that hurt me this bad.

from the beginning we had been fighting the world. doing things we know we shouldn't but we couldn't help ourselves. loving each other even though everyone wanted us to end it and move on. but its like every time we did try to let go we couldn't help but to run back to each other.

I'm not about to pretend, in any way, that i don't love this guy to satisfy someone else. I'm not about to stop talking to him because people think its not healthy for me or whatever. actually i kinda do the opposite of what people want me to do and that's because nobody has to experience this but me. nobody knows whats best for me but me. nobody has to live with the aftershock but me. these are my eyes that are crying. my heart that is pounding out of my chest. my feelings that either get hurt or healed. and I'm willing, every-single-time, to take a chance with him.

personally, if your life is not perfect then you should not judge me and try to change any situation of mines. and GOD help me with this one, its not my SITUATION its my LIFE.

Because Its Worth It

people always ask me about my life. ask me why i make the decisions i make. and this is the only sincere answer i can come up with before going into a full on hour long story of my life :

BECAUSE ITS WORTH IT =)

Those You Love Hurt You The Most

people always say "those you love hurt you the most" and if it wasn't true before its definitely true today. my situation is a horrible one and i never in my wildest dream would have thought my life would feel so empty now, nor did i think i would feel like this again. betrayal is the most emotionally straining thing in the world to me. to betray my trust is like the worst thing you can do to me.

my so-called "best friend" is now telling everybody my personal business. she is taking it upon herself to let everyone know about my life. these people she are telling don't know me from a box of cookies but she feels the need to completely step outside of our friendship and our trust and just open her mouth to anyone who will listen. once again i say, she is not a friend.

my relationship with this guy is my business but now i guess its everyone business. i guess what i want and am happy with doesn't matter. my feelings do not matter obviously. never did she stop to think how this would effect my life and/or my feelings.

why would she do that to me? why would she dare tell a soul the things i do in my life that i didn't give her permission to tell. yet again i say, this is my life and if i wanted to share it with someone then i would but since i didn't go to the person myself that is, in my book, betrayal. i feel like crap. she makes me seem so pathetic and wrong.

now i dont have a soul to run to because she ruined that for me. she ruined any stability i had. i loved this girl like she was my sister but now i cant imagine us being friends again. although i believe in forgiveness things will never be the same. its so true what they say, you know, and if it wasn't then it is now.

Friends - Are they really ??

I have always thought that i had wonderful friends. i have never kept around a crappy friend or person for that matter. But even though people make mistakes doesn't mean they are a horrible person. I understand that people make mistakes and I try very hard to try to get over them and to never dwell on them. I don't judge. I do, however, see how long the mistake effects me and if i get over it in a day or two then i say "people make mistakes" and move on with my life and ultimately keep them in it. But I think when people don't realize they have even made a mistake is what leads to quick termination. When people openly don't respect me or my feelings toward something it quickly begins to destroy any friendship or relationship we had or have. i just cant tolerate it.

Recently a friend, a very best friend, told a secret about me and my relationship with a guy. I was crushed and still am. I told her previously not to say anything to anybody about anything but obviously what i say and how i feel and the promise that she made means nothing.

I was having a great week. I saw the love of my life two days in a row, which has never happened, and i was above my natural high. But as the day comes to an end i get a very disturbing text about how my best friend squealed on me and now my high is gone.

I just believe that this is my life to live and either you deal with the decisions that i make with a closed mouth and a smile or you leave me alone all together. I am not a little girl and I never have been. I have been through more than other people can bear so I promise i know what I'm doing. I was happy with the decisions i made and i took responsibility for them and even though someone else didn't doesn't mean you have to say anything. I live and have always lived a complicated life. I have always done things that people don't understand and have always tolerated pain for others but that's who i am and i see no change coming.

The excuse of trying to help me and how i shouldn't have to deal with this means nothing to me because i read what she said and it was completely unnecessary and meant to hurt someone. I was exposed by the person I thought would never tell a soul. I was wrong again.

And yes i know that you were there for me and i for you but this is taking "sticking up" to another level. Never have i ever told even one of your secrets to another person. never have i embarrassed you the way you hurt me today. I could have potentially lost the love of my life and all you say is "so". that's not a friend. I kept things the way they were because that's the way they worked and because they didn't work for you then you felt the need to open your mouth to someone other than me? that's not a friend. a friend sticks by you no matter what idiot decisions you make. a friend love you through everything. a friend is not what you are.

my life is my life and I'm the one who has to live it. you can either be a part of it or leave. its your choice.

The Beginning

This is the beginning of my aspiration to be a journalist or writer. Actually, I dont think you can call it the beginning because I have been writing since I was 14 years old. Most of my writing revolves around my life and all the things I have experienced and been through in my short but long 17 years of life. Some is about other people, friends, family, and significant others. I like to think that my opinion matters somewhere in the world. I have a lot to say and/or write. I usually use myspace or facebook for my blogging but I decided to upgrade and actually have a blog page specifically for blogging. Throughout my blog I will discuss things previously stated above and movies, TV shows, my feelings, phones and other things that I may be thinking about. This is just a preview of what my blog is so thanks for reading and/or following me =) it is much appreciated.