for the love of my life.

i feel very lost. every two seconds i find myself thinking about him. wanting so badly to talk to him but my efforts go unanswered. it hurts right down to my toes. my breathing begins to get heavy and i feel as if I'm a helpless child not in control of any aspect of my own life. i panic and become so wrapped up in it that it drives me crazy. from tears to the destruction of my bedroom. that bedroom. that room where my whole love affair happened. i get so caught up in the memories that i fall to my bed and without notice fall asleep. i live every moment over. every minute that my mind can go to. but when i wake to reality it depresses me. I'm sad to see what reality is. sad to see where we let this go. i have always felt like there was something we could have changed. but i try to stray from those thought because, honestly, i wouldn't change a moment. every moment led to the next and either if it was with a tear or a smile it was magical. it consumes me. it becomes the very person that i am and i give my life and soul to everything that we were. i surrender everything that i don't want to be for everything that i loved. him. i put myself in a place of venerability knowing, very well, what i was getting into. but in my mind, my current and past mind, i would like to think that it was all worth it. worth everything that ever happened because without any further thought he helped me become this person. this person that i love being. but without him i don't know how to be that. i feel like i cant be that. i feel as if being that with somebody else is a self proclaimed sin of the heart. giving myself to somebody else the way i gave myself to him would ultimately break his heart and with every moment i know it would break mine. there is something to be said when your with someone else but the only thinking about the one who isn't here. and some say he isn't meant to be but how could he not when he came back every single time. i guess i have some things to figure out. i want him back but what he wants is a mystery that i cant figure out yet. although my best friend says " looking at you two together is wonderful. you two adore each other and i don't even know how you guys could think about being with anyone else but each other" and with those words i fall back in love with him because even outsiders could see it. to have the courage, to try to express my true feelings and actually ask him, without hesitation, to make me that person i love again is a battle all its own. but its a battle i am willing to fight, for the love of my life.