love

its true when people say "love and hate share the same emotion". look what people do that say that they hate people. they do so much just so they wont think about them but never notice that its that effort you put forth that makes you think about them more. and most people say that because they loved someone so much but then got hurt so that happy love turned into hurtful love called hate. its because you know deep down you love them more than anything in the world but you just dont want to. guess what, your heart doesnt care what your mind doesnt want to do. your heart is a totally different part of you. its the part that is always right. its the part that lets you live and love. its the strongest organ in your whole entire body. it pumps blood throughout your whole body so why would you think it wouldnt have a say about what you do with it ? thats just foolish talk.

i remember last year when i was dating this guy at my school. i thought i was so into him, and that was the problem. nothing ever came from the heart. it was always about what i thought, never about what i felt. i thought out everything and then i made decisions in our relationships when with my other relationship i would just do, never think, just do because its what my heart told me to do. with my other relationship it was always about our feelings. always about what he felt for each other. never did i ever say "i think i love you" it was always "i love you".

but i ruined that, just like i ruined all of my other relationships. it was because i never wanted anything different from what i had with my first love. i was constantly looking for "us" again but i didn't realize until right now that there could only be one "us". only one "double K experience". nobody could measure up to him. the honesty, the trust, the love, the kisses, the patience, the care, and every single moment. and if i couldn't have that then i was just as well off being by myself. i was content with that because from May 5 2005 i had it in my mind what i wanted. people, guys, call me so stupid and closed minded for that but how can you blame me. i have always lived by "your first love is your true love" and with us it was just that. it was my dream, my dream that i will never in my life give up on.

i tell my friends that i hate him but i know that i love him and if he were to come to my door and ask me to marry him at 17 i would. i try so hard not to think about him but with that i still find my way back to the image of his face. i used to think something was wrong with me and that i just needed to get over him but the real problem is me running away and not fighting for the love i always wanted. i dont need to get over him i need to embrace the fact that i love him and see if there is any chance of us trying again. i dont want to miss out on my chance, let it pass me up because im too proud or too afraid of rejection. from that very day in May i have said "i can give up on anything in the world but i will never give up on love" and i will live it to the end of my days.