shhhhh..!

To say that i have never been to this point would be a bold lie. i have always been here. i have always been in the position where I'm closed into my little box and that, being the only reason and way that I'm "OK". me being open and giving from my soul and my heart right now seems like the further thing from an option. i refuse to give myself that option. the only option i am giving myself, for the moment, is being completely and utterly alone and to myself. i will be the only one who knows my secrets. i will be the only one who sees me cry. I'm to the point now that I'm so lost that each day i struggle to get out of bed. I'm putting on this huge front for everyone just so i can maintain being alone. being safe. if i don't let anyone in then who will or could hurt me? nobody but me. I'll keep it all inside because its my only choice. its the only way that i can keep my sanity.

my best friends don't even know me anymore. my mother questions everything i do. guys blatantly tell me that they don't trust me for the simple fact that i tell the truth but i just wont open myself up so i must be hiding something. my relationship with "the love of my life" is struggling. my life is spiraling out of control.

i used to be so happy. so open to telling people exactly how i feel because it wasn't bad. but now, all i do is say "whatever" and write in my journal all of my disturbing thoughts and worries. my hopes and dreams. my feelings and regrets. now, i feel like nothing but a person who has nowhere to belong. no one to love. and nothing else to give the world but words that will never be heard or read.

I'm scared. I'm scared that behind every corner there is something or someone there to hurt me and crush my every dream. I'm scared that i wont make it. that all the things that i want to accomplish will never be. I'm scared of betrayal but because its happened to me so many times before that it will never become normal but only routine or an unwanted expectation. i try so hard to remain this good girl and stray from the things that will disappoint or cause retaliation but still i receive so much pain. i have forgiven so many people and so many actions that my tank is now running on empty. I'm sick to my stomach for blaming myself and just dealing with it but how could i not blame myself when I'm the one who opened up and let this happen in the first place.

therefor I'm done with everyone. I'm keeping everyone at arms length because that's the only way i feel safe. that's the only way i can breath smoothly. sorry to generalize but nobody is out of that category. call me crazy but remember your the one who made me this way.