this morning, around 6 o'clock til around 7 o'clock, i was crying my eyes, heart and soul out.
i have this 'thing' i do where, to get all my emotional stress out, i talk to out loud in my room alone and just say whatever it is that is bugging me. this time i talked about how much i changed and how those changes took place. basically what I'm trying to say is i talked about what makes me 'ME'.
when i got to the end i could hardly talk, my chest was burning and i could hardly see out of my eyes. i noticed that my father and this 'guy' are the same, in the way they treat me anyway. my dad has never just exclusively been there ever since i was 5 years old. he missed a lot but never tried to make any of it up. he left things the way they were and i could never understand why. but when i got older, around 15 and 16 i just decided i would be the one to come back into his life. i love my daddy very much but i don't know if he loves me. but, whenever i go around him i never give him grief about the past. never try to make him cry or pay for what he did, or didn't do. i am just so happy to finally be around him and spend time with him that i just let it go. like a simple "sorry i wasn't there" makes it all better. and no matter how bad he hurts me or how much he isn't around, i still love him with all my heart and i would never want to hurt his feelings.
same goes for the guy. i mean he has been here for the last 4 years of my life, off and on, in and out. but he, like my father, leaves without explanation or notice. they both say "i love you and i wanted to talk to you but i didn't think you wanted to talk to me". both give me empty promises and false hope. but they both own all of my love. both are always always forgiven and always on my mind. and i treat them the same. i never make them feel bad about leaving, even when i feel horrible. i just cant seem to do it. im always the one, at the end, playing the role of "fool". breaking down time after time. but i always always give them another chance, for reasons i do not know. i guess, i just have this burning hope that maybe this time they will stick around and i will finally be completely happy, which is never the case. loving someone, who isnt around anymore, hurts but i do it everyday of my life.
when i really want to say "fuck you cause you fucked up my life and you don't show, in any way, that you actually give a shit about me or my feelings", all that comes out is "its OK, i love you".
i guess that line "you will fall in love with someone just like your father" is true.
Well I came across your blog, looking at one of my followers followings? I don't think that made sense but I read your latest post and i couldn't help but feel a massive rush of empathy run over my body. My story is similar to yours so the nostalgia betwixt me. I have no idea of what is like to have no father in my life but then again my father is just there but at least I am lucky to have one in existence, around I suppose. What I related to the most was the guy in your life. How he's there and then he's not. They say "absense makes the heart grow fonder" but how does it when you feel so much pain. I was in love with someone for three years, in fact our anniversary would have been on the 27th. So many fall outs, so many "i will be there when..."(s) "I will love you forever" and most of all "you know what when school is done that's a rap. We gunna be together no more bullshit"...yea. I said it was ok when he cheated on me, i said it was ok that he wuz gunna go off and do his own thing for a while. I know how that feels to say Baby it's ok. but it really isnt. So I come to you with encouragement to be strong. Some random person commenting on your blog. Just remember you are beautiful and never blame yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou have given me the idea to write about my whole experience. I'm not going to be afraid to write about it anymore. Thank you.
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ReplyDeletethank you so much for your words. even though it sucks it helps to know that someone understands. and never be afraid to write what you feel. =)
ReplyDeleteps going to follow you too