love

its true when people say "love and hate share the same emotion". look what people do that say that they hate people. they do so much just so they wont think about them but never notice that its that effort you put forth that makes you think about them more. and most people say that because they loved someone so much but then got hurt so that happy love turned into hurtful love called hate. its because you know deep down you love them more than anything in the world but you just dont want to. guess what, your heart doesnt care what your mind doesnt want to do. your heart is a totally different part of you. its the part that is always right. its the part that lets you live and love. its the strongest organ in your whole entire body. it pumps blood throughout your whole body so why would you think it wouldnt have a say about what you do with it ? thats just foolish talk.

i remember last year when i was dating this guy at my school. i thought i was so into him, and that was the problem. nothing ever came from the heart. it was always about what i thought, never about what i felt. i thought out everything and then i made decisions in our relationships when with my other relationship i would just do, never think, just do because its what my heart told me to do. with my other relationship it was always about our feelings. always about what he felt for each other. never did i ever say "i think i love you" it was always "i love you".

but i ruined that, just like i ruined all of my other relationships. it was because i never wanted anything different from what i had with my first love. i was constantly looking for "us" again but i didn't realize until right now that there could only be one "us". only one "double K experience". nobody could measure up to him. the honesty, the trust, the love, the kisses, the patience, the care, and every single moment. and if i couldn't have that then i was just as well off being by myself. i was content with that because from May 5 2005 i had it in my mind what i wanted. people, guys, call me so stupid and closed minded for that but how can you blame me. i have always lived by "your first love is your true love" and with us it was just that. it was my dream, my dream that i will never in my life give up on.

i tell my friends that i hate him but i know that i love him and if he were to come to my door and ask me to marry him at 17 i would. i try so hard not to think about him but with that i still find my way back to the image of his face. i used to think something was wrong with me and that i just needed to get over him but the real problem is me running away and not fighting for the love i always wanted. i dont need to get over him i need to embrace the fact that i love him and see if there is any chance of us trying again. i dont want to miss out on my chance, let it pass me up because im too proud or too afraid of rejection. from that very day in May i have said "i can give up on anything in the world but i will never give up on love" and i will live it to the end of my days.

for the love of my life.

i feel very lost. every two seconds i find myself thinking about him. wanting so badly to talk to him but my efforts go unanswered. it hurts right down to my toes. my breathing begins to get heavy and i feel as if I'm a helpless child not in control of any aspect of my own life. i panic and become so wrapped up in it that it drives me crazy. from tears to the destruction of my bedroom. that bedroom. that room where my whole love affair happened. i get so caught up in the memories that i fall to my bed and without notice fall asleep. i live every moment over. every minute that my mind can go to. but when i wake to reality it depresses me. I'm sad to see what reality is. sad to see where we let this go. i have always felt like there was something we could have changed. but i try to stray from those thought because, honestly, i wouldn't change a moment. every moment led to the next and either if it was with a tear or a smile it was magical. it consumes me. it becomes the very person that i am and i give my life and soul to everything that we were. i surrender everything that i don't want to be for everything that i loved. him. i put myself in a place of venerability knowing, very well, what i was getting into. but in my mind, my current and past mind, i would like to think that it was all worth it. worth everything that ever happened because without any further thought he helped me become this person. this person that i love being. but without him i don't know how to be that. i feel like i cant be that. i feel as if being that with somebody else is a self proclaimed sin of the heart. giving myself to somebody else the way i gave myself to him would ultimately break his heart and with every moment i know it would break mine. there is something to be said when your with someone else but the only thinking about the one who isn't here. and some say he isn't meant to be but how could he not when he came back every single time. i guess i have some things to figure out. i want him back but what he wants is a mystery that i cant figure out yet. although my best friend says " looking at you two together is wonderful. you two adore each other and i don't even know how you guys could think about being with anyone else but each other" and with those words i fall back in love with him because even outsiders could see it. to have the courage, to try to express my true feelings and actually ask him, without hesitation, to make me that person i love again is a battle all its own. but its a battle i am willing to fight, for the love of my life.

What Have I Become ?

Delight in the eyes that look back at mine in the mirror is long gone. Constantly I fight for the truth within myself but even I cant seem to grasp or show it. I cant seem to see myself anymore because the lies make the reflection so blurry. The tears that flow up from my heart crowd around my eyes. They burn with intensity because I'm staring at something i don't want to be. The mist fades everything that i have ever dreamed and now all I see is a nightmare. The monster that has come to take my soul. To ruin my existence. To let me live no longer. What have I become ?

shhhhh..!

To say that i have never been to this point would be a bold lie. i have always been here. i have always been in the position where I'm closed into my little box and that, being the only reason and way that I'm "OK". me being open and giving from my soul and my heart right now seems like the further thing from an option. i refuse to give myself that option. the only option i am giving myself, for the moment, is being completely and utterly alone and to myself. i will be the only one who knows my secrets. i will be the only one who sees me cry. I'm to the point now that I'm so lost that each day i struggle to get out of bed. I'm putting on this huge front for everyone just so i can maintain being alone. being safe. if i don't let anyone in then who will or could hurt me? nobody but me. I'll keep it all inside because its my only choice. its the only way that i can keep my sanity.

my best friends don't even know me anymore. my mother questions everything i do. guys blatantly tell me that they don't trust me for the simple fact that i tell the truth but i just wont open myself up so i must be hiding something. my relationship with "the love of my life" is struggling. my life is spiraling out of control.

i used to be so happy. so open to telling people exactly how i feel because it wasn't bad. but now, all i do is say "whatever" and write in my journal all of my disturbing thoughts and worries. my hopes and dreams. my feelings and regrets. now, i feel like nothing but a person who has nowhere to belong. no one to love. and nothing else to give the world but words that will never be heard or read.

I'm scared. I'm scared that behind every corner there is something or someone there to hurt me and crush my every dream. I'm scared that i wont make it. that all the things that i want to accomplish will never be. I'm scared of betrayal but because its happened to me so many times before that it will never become normal but only routine or an unwanted expectation. i try so hard to remain this good girl and stray from the things that will disappoint or cause retaliation but still i receive so much pain. i have forgiven so many people and so many actions that my tank is now running on empty. I'm sick to my stomach for blaming myself and just dealing with it but how could i not blame myself when I'm the one who opened up and let this happen in the first place.

therefor I'm done with everyone. I'm keeping everyone at arms length because that's the only way i feel safe. that's the only way i can breath smoothly. sorry to generalize but nobody is out of that category. call me crazy but remember your the one who made me this way.

Until...

You know, stuff is just stuff until every time you touch it your body is overwhelmed with the memory of how you got it. Words are just words until you really mean them and when you speak them your heart cries. Feelings are just feelings until you grasp it and make your life better by enhancing them. Seeing is only seeing until your eyes only want to see the love of your life. Breathing is just breathing until you fear losing it. Living is just existing until you find your purpose.

concentration - no hesitation ♥

i am extremely ready for school. this year i am finally going to be a senior and I'm so happy. i have anew outlook on school, probably because all my friends are going off to college now, and i think of this as my one chance to determine the next four years of my life.

since i don't have a boyfriend or anything of the sort I'm not really going to have boy drama. you know, the occasional fights and depression, that could steer me in the wrong direction. not too concerned, at this point, in finding or looking for someone to be my boyfriend either.

my home situation is a weird one but i plan to just shut my mouth, do what I'm suppose to do and get where i need to go without drama. i just don't need and can not handle the stress. i just want everything to go smooth so i can stay focused and keep my head on straight.

I'm ready to get this show on the road !

Update on Life...

i haven't been able to blog in about a week or two and i have been kinda lost without it, so here is my basic update :

i have successfully, but shamefully, physically or emotionally hurt everyone in my family. i think and have proven that my anger is out of control but only when people try to control or change me. i have been in control of every aspect of my life for a while now and seeing that me becoming legally grown is coming up pretty fast i am just becoming more and more attached to this "control". when you try to control my life, my emotions, my activities or my property i lose all knowledge of you being, in anyway, related to me. not being in control is the scariest thing to me because for 3 years of my life i was not in control of a certain situation and i promised myself I would never go back there again. therefor, it causes acts of violence and rage on my end but i don't blame myself because its the people who know me best and know where the edge is that push me over it.

i have also come to terms with my relationship, or lack of relationship, with people and i do not stress over it as much. actually, i don't even talk about my friendships or relationships with anybody, which is very odd for me. i would rather everyone in my life stay separate then to mix them up and have one know about the other or what have you. separate is working very well but for some odd reason i feel like I'm keeping everything my dirty-little-secret. but hey, i cant tell everything.

i am very much pushing toward leaving home but since i have nowhere else to live that plan is dead. i just think i work better when I'm not home with all of the tension. this house holds so many bad memories, just like the last one did, and i just feel like I'm in a jail house instead of my home. but none-the-less i have very good memories here, just not with the people who live here. most of the time i stay because my best friend lives around the corner or because the walls of my room are covered with everything that is "Kiara". but when its my time to leave i will and i will never look back.

other than that i think i have been very mellow. i don't say much or do much i just sit here and wait, i guess. wait for something to cross my mind and write about it. and then i feel better =)

Alone - The Good and The Bad .

its very sad to feel like completely alone. crazy that i have so many people that would love to be around me but i just want to be around that one special person so they get ignored. i know that is very mean of me to do but i really can not help it. i just don't want to waste my time hanging out with someone i know isn't going to last a very long time, someone who will leave or someone i really sincerely don't want to be around. that would be even meaner of me. i have to be honest with myself and everybody else. i only want to be with the ones i love and that i know love me, everyone else are just simply not that important in my life. i mean I'm not the only one who thinks that. they think the same about me. they only call me when they need something, have nothing else to do or cant sleep and know that i stay up very late. if that's the only time you feel the need to talk to me then obviously i am not that important in your life either. I'm sick and tired of feeling like that so i refuse to even humor or entertain the idea of having occasional friends. sometimes i want more friends but they are so hard to find now that i just don't even bother. and besides, i know a good friend when i see one so if it is meant to be then it will most definitely be that. and right about now being alone in the world is just fine with me. just keeping it all to myself, and my blog, gives me the time off from the drama and constant effort i have to put forward to make everyone that is important in my life feel important. i just lost my best friend, who is a guy, because he didn't feel appreciated, loved and cared about by me and if that's not a sign that i need to take a break and recollect myself then i don't know what it. I'm emotionally and mentally tired, at best. and this time to myself can either make or break friendships and relationships that i proceed with but if they don't understand that then i don't need them in my life anyway.

Go Figure...=(

i think that sometimes people in my life dont understand me, the way i act, my reason or intentions, and it hurts. it hurts because i love all the people in my life with all my heart. i keep these people around because i feel like i might have a chance at being sane if they are there. but they dont understand that. they dont understand how it feels. with people leaving me on a daily bases, the way people think about me, the way i am truly taken for a fools makes me insane.

i dont know what they expect from me. to praise you and tell you how thankful i am for having you in my life my every waking moment, even though you do far from the same. beg for you to stay and beg for your forgiveness whenever i make one little mistake or when you take my playfulness the wrong way. people must not think i have feelings. that even though i portray myself as this tough girl that i too have my moments of weakness. i have moments where i get lost and just need somebody to push through it with me instead of getting upset with me.

but it has never gotten to this point until now, obviously. it has never been to the point where you threaten to, within minutes, walk out of my life if i dont get myself together. how is that fair? so i am not aloud to be stressed out and sometimes lose my head for risk of losing you? i completely understand that i do take my feelings and stress out on some people but if you know im already stressed dont take the things i may say to heart. just let it go. and the things that OTHER people might do or say to you DO NOT make it ALL seem like MY fault.

im so lost at this point that i dont know what to do or say to anybody. i guess i'll just handle my problems by myself because the other way it obviously not the way it is suppose to be. the people who say they would be here forever are the people who seem to walk away, go figure.

My Opinion...♥

Frankly, I get the feeling that my view and take of the world and my life is illegal to most Christians.

I believe that God gave us free will to see how different we all can be. To see how far we could go on our own. The bible, in my honest opinion, is only a suggestion, or a test to see who would live by the words that someone wrote or live their lives the way they wanted, of course with sensible judgment and common sense. I live my life freely and have become my own person. Never have i lived by the words of the book because my life, frankly, contradicted everything that it was. What most people who live by those printed words don't understand is that everyone is not in the same situation. Not everyone can live exactly the way the book supposedly wants us all to live. It just isn't that easy.


But do you realize that if we all lived by those words that we all would be exactly the same? that we would have no individuality other than how we look? do you realize that the term "opposites attract" would be so far out the window? we would all be the same. one mind, one soul. i frankly don't understand how that would benefit any of us. we are all different for a reason. all on different paths because if we weren't the world would have never made it to this advanced stage to begin with. and if God wanted to control us free will wouldn't even be an option to begin with. we are given this one special chance to prove that we can do the best with what we are given. be individually superb.


And another thing, I'm sure God didn't tell these "christian" people to go around and tell people that are completely happy, and if not happy then at least accepting, with their lives that they are wrong! excuse me, but that is rude and quiet disrespectful. how dare one human being tell another human being that their life is simply not right without any background information. I believe it says "thou who is without sin cast the first stone" you idiots! I have been prejudged so many times for the things i wear, how i talk, laughing, my musical preferences and etc. by those who do not know me in the least bit. nobody knows my struggle. but yet they say they are just doing what God told them. i beg of you, spare me the bull feces! I respect the struggle of others, therefore i do not judge, which is what everyone should do but hey, free will and a right to ones own opinion.


I shall NOT let another lead and live my life for me or i will not only be disappointing God but failing myself. defeating my own purpose of being here on Earth. I believe in my heart of hearts I am a good person. I believe i make sensible and good decisions. I love God and I do believe that there is a God and the day i die I will face him and finally get the chance to explain to him my actions, like he doesn't already know, and he will forgive me for my sins, if they are even that. I believe in myself as an individual and believe my true purpose is to be the best ME I can be. and as long and i live up to my own expectations I will never fail myself, therefor I will never disappoint Him. My free will is just that and i will use it to the fullest extent. I will use my knowledge, experience, sensible judgement and common sense. And most importantly I will never regret and apologize for the things I do for if I use these things right then every decision is justified.

To Each Its Own

Completes Me...♥

sometimes i hate my life. i hate how somethings turn out and some of the decision i and other people have made have forever effected my life. but i just try to look at things the way that one special guy always said to. he has always told me "things have to get worse before they get better" and i have always found that to help me get through and over situations. he always told me "you can never stop because i will never let you. i will always be there to catch you and put you back where i know you belong". i loved those words. i live by them when I'm down on myself, somewhat fearing that he would be disappointed in me if i were to stop or give up on myself. and if i didn't have encouragement before i sure do have it now. he is the light and love of my life that keeps me living, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

when we are not together, not speaking to one another i feel as if i don't have feelings at all. nothing gets to me and i can just let everything go. but with him its this constant want and need. this desire and passion. an occastional struggle that inspires most of my writing. he makes me human, in a way. he gives me my heart. its something about him that completes me.

Doesn't Last Forever...♥

I was sitting here thinking about that guy again. thinking about how all of the songs I love remind me of a specific moment that we spent together, or apart. how i have forever attached myself to the music, and him. am i crazy ?

I always thought i was. ever since i met him he has always said i was "bi-polar", but i don't really believe that. I'm a girl so i mean i am entitled to my mood swings every once in a while, but i don't have an illness. its not that bad. I think its the love that made me crazy. it made me hunger for something I always wanted but I never sought out to find it, and when i did, i just wanted it that much more.

Ever since I was a little girl i dreamed of how someone would come and save me, much like fairy tales about sleepy beauty and so on. i would pray to God every night that one day someone would come along and make everything alright. make me forget all my nightmares and always make me happy, no matter the weather. I was in need of saving at the time. constantly watching my every move and planning my everyday in my own home killed me a little bit each and everyday. I never had a true childhood. never had a worry free day. everything was stressed, everything was wrong. i grew up faster than anybody should have to.

but i found love in him, love in music and love in writing. i found my escape in these three things. so as i aged, i combined the three. i wrote and sang about the love we shared. about the time we spent 'together'. i dedicated many songs to him. sang sweet melody's in his ear on those sleepless nights. i wrote him many letters on how much of it all meant to me. i gave all my love to him. everything.

but now all i have is the music, the old letters and the memories. all i have is what used to be. i wander away from reality with these things and dream him. i can still smell his breath and feel his hand on my cheek. still feel his body in my bed in the midst of night. i still cry tears of happiness and pain listening to the songs we sang to each other. still laugh out loud when i think of his voice and those not-so-funny jokes. still smile when i think of how strong the words he spoke and his expectations made me. and at special times i can feel his love floating in the air and it warms my heart and i cry a single tear for the lost of the love of my life. but as i slip back into reality, i pick myself up and go on with my day.

"tis better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all"...♥

Morning Tears

this morning, around 6 o'clock til around 7 o'clock, i was crying my eyes, heart and soul out.

i have this 'thing' i do where, to get all my emotional stress out, i talk to out loud in my room alone and just say whatever it is that is bugging me. this time i talked about how much i changed and how those changes took place. basically what I'm trying to say is i talked about what makes me 'ME'.

when i got to the end i could hardly talk, my chest was burning and i could hardly see out of my eyes. i noticed that my father and this 'guy' are the same, in the way they treat me anyway. my dad has never just exclusively been there ever since i was 5 years old. he missed a lot but never tried to make any of it up. he left things the way they were and i could never understand why. but when i got older, around 15 and 16 i just decided i would be the one to come back into his life. i love my daddy very much but i don't know if he loves me. but, whenever i go around him i never give him grief about the past. never try to make him cry or pay for what he did, or didn't do. i am just so happy to finally be around him and spend time with him that i just let it go. like a simple "sorry i wasn't there" makes it all better. and no matter how bad he hurts me or how much he isn't around, i still love him with all my heart and i would never want to hurt his feelings.

same goes for the guy. i mean he has been here for the last 4 years of my life, off and on, in and out. but he, like my father, leaves without explanation or notice. they both say "i love you and i wanted to talk to you but i didn't think you wanted to talk to me". both give me empty promises and false hope. but they both own all of my love. both are always always forgiven and always on my mind. and i treat them the same. i never make them feel bad about leaving, even when i feel horrible. i just cant seem to do it. im always the one, at the end, playing the role of "fool". breaking down time after time. but i always always give them another chance, for reasons i do not know. i guess, i just have this burning hope that maybe this time they will stick around and i will finally be completely happy, which is never the case. loving someone, who isnt around anymore, hurts but i do it everyday of my life.

when i really want to say "fuck you cause you fucked up my life and you don't show, in any way, that you actually give a shit about me or my feelings", all that comes out is "its OK, i love you".

i guess that line "you will fall in love with someone just like your father" is true.

Ignoring - Not Fixing

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm just fine and peachy when i know damn well that I'm just dying inside. i mean not literally, of course, but i kinda feel lost. i just wish that i had closure from the whole thing. with everything that happen i still feel like i cant get over it, you know? i feel like any minute he might call or text me but , of course, that's not the case because i seriously doubt he is even thinking about me and if he is he isn't going to act on it, of course not because OBVIOUSLY I'm not worth it.

to just stop talking to someone is by far the most rude thing in the world, but it proves that the person is to afraid to confront you and actually tell you whats going on and/or there is no reason for the insensitive action, or lack of. some people just can not be honest and up-front. but, of course, i am VERY optimistic. i take it as "sparing my feelings" completely ignoring the fact that my feelings are hurt even more so when i am ignored. but i suck it up and keep it positive.

honestly, i need closure. i need to know that there is no possibility of "us" again. i need to know that he no longer loves me and that he wants nothing else to do with me. then maybe, just maybe, i can just let it all go. let myself get over it instead of just pretending that i already am. because right now I'm just guessing. playing off of his actions, basically, and its not helping one bit. because guessing just ends me up here and confused, as usual. but i digress.

p.s. running away from your problems is not going to help or fix anything.

Well Deserved - Never Received

that line "everybody deserve/needs somebody" just does not apply to me.

many times people have told me that they love me. that they care a great deal about me. well, actions speak louder than words my dear. i just don't understand how someone can claim their unconditional love for me but run off and tell the next girl the same thing. or go off and have this relationship going. but you love me right? right.

at a very young age i learned that you don't pay much attention to what people say because most of the time its what they think they have to say and/or what they think you want them to say. most people just always know the right thing to say but there is no sincerity there. i have come across so many liars and I'm still not of age to vote. its a crying shame, literally. from fathers, stepfathers, mothers, boyfriends, family, teachers, principals, friends, and the occasional guy trying to pick me up off the street or computer. the truth isn't anything like the insincere and completely false words pouring out of their mouths.

and I'm not one of those people who has been hurt and scared so bad that i think that everyone is a liar. i am not the one to prejudge. i give nearly everyone a chance to prove themselves, which wouldn't have to happen if they wouldn't start off with giving me false hope and empty promises. but time after time and chance after chance i am always playing the role of the fool at the end. crying my eyes out over how stupid i feel and how hurt i actually am. but hey, that's just how it goes and that's how it has always been.

but my question is, when am i really going to get what i deserve because i know damn well i don't deserve the everyday pain of lies and deceit and the sleepless tear-filled nights. if everyone deserves happiness then where the hell is mine at? i try so hard to keep it together but sometimes i feel like why should i be the only one trying, and crying for that matter. although i don't think sharing pain, in anyway, is fun but come on I'm not the only one in these 'relationships'. sometimes i am so happy with everything but then its like someone just stumps on it until I'm just miserable again.

i believe with the unbearable pain and heartache i have went through i deserve everything that my dreams hold, but i seem to never receive what i know i deserve. although i am happy with myself i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. you would think God would finally give me my chance. but hey, that's just how it goes.

The Ugly Truth

so i guess I'm going to do my first of many MOVIE REVIEWS.

today i went to the movies, alone might i add, and it felt very good to get out of the house and not necessarily be around anyone, well that i knew anyway. i have attempted to do this only one other time and it was more of an alone feeling that came over me then, glad it didn't happen this time.

well the movie THE UGLY TRUTH was very very good. I'm not a movie critic but i found it to be very entertaining. from the start it got every bit of my attention, i don't know if that had anything to do with me sitting in front of a huge screen, but yes my attention was very captured. none-the-less great movie. very good plot. r rated language but, hey, I'm a teenager I'm very much familiar with that. in a way it was predictable. you could see where it was heading but you just didn't know how they would get there. it was sooooo funny ! like the jokes were beyond hilarious and i could not keep from that aftershock giggle that i have. the romance and love almost made me cry a little. a reserved woman who was very obsessive and somewhat of a control freak trying to find mister perfect but didn't see him and he was right there. the story was wonderful. would definitely go and see it again.

i love Katherine Heigl! she is one of my most favorite actresses. she is very believable and seems to be very dedicated to her character(s). i respect her very much. oh and she is very funny ha ha keeps me laughing. i absolutely adored her in knocked up, which i will watch later tonight, her and Seth Rogan just make me day!

well i loved the movie and i advice those who understand obvious humor and enjoy sexually jokes but still love a great 'love story' to go and see it. yea you ! GO SEE IT, NOW ! =)

p.s. the truth, in the movie, was very vulgar haha and 'ugly' but it does not have to be.

now that the easy part is over its time for me to start healing. although there was no closure between me and him, his silence is all i need to know that what we have is over, but like i said its time for me to move on.

i have been through this so many times that now it has become somewhat routine. i heal very fast though, as long as i don't have someone negative there but since that is gone, i think i am going to be fine. i know i am going to be fine. i love and respect myself too much to let someone or thing keep me down for too long.

when i was a little girl i was hurt almost everyday and it was much worst than what i am going through now. i have grown into a strong little girl into a very strong, thoughtful, caring, loving and most of all forgiving young woman and i plan to move ahead in my quest to become the best journalist and writer anyone has ever heard of.

i know myself but i think i let people and my feelings get in the way. love makes me a fool so i think that's why i stray from it so much. i never asked for love but guys offer it to me and i took a chance with one guy and this is what i receive so until I'm much older I'm not trying that again [ live and love in the moment is so far out the window ]. nothing and no one else will get in the way of me losing myself again. i do things that i wouldn't normally do and i think i need to go back to 'me' and then everything will fall into place.

" God as my witness i will NEVER in my days make the same mistake again. i will live and learn. i know the right way and now i am on the road to internal and eternal peace with my heart and soul as the map and my hands and mind are the wheels im riding in on. i will make it. i will not stop. "

I cant walk away from someone who has never walked away from me. we have been through a lot and this is our very first best friend argument thing so we must move on. ♥

Its Not My Situation - Its My Life ; ♥

it always sucks to have someone walk out of your life, but i think it sucks more to have to actually kick someone out of it. either way their gone. i have to deal with so much now but the worst part is that i have to deal with this alone now. i have to figure out everything alone because now I have nobody that I'm close to. i used to always have an escape. i could step away from everything and everyone and just be happy and now i cant and its killing me.

i used to lay in his arms and listen to his voice and just smile. we didn't have to talk we could just feel the love between us. but an outside factor that didn't matter, that didn't understand, that had nothing to do with the LIFE we had has killed that. has put so much strain on it that now i don't know if I'm ever going to feel that again. and it was the person that was most close to ME that hurt me this bad.

from the beginning we had been fighting the world. doing things we know we shouldn't but we couldn't help ourselves. loving each other even though everyone wanted us to end it and move on. but its like every time we did try to let go we couldn't help but to run back to each other.

I'm not about to pretend, in any way, that i don't love this guy to satisfy someone else. I'm not about to stop talking to him because people think its not healthy for me or whatever. actually i kinda do the opposite of what people want me to do and that's because nobody has to experience this but me. nobody knows whats best for me but me. nobody has to live with the aftershock but me. these are my eyes that are crying. my heart that is pounding out of my chest. my feelings that either get hurt or healed. and I'm willing, every-single-time, to take a chance with him.

personally, if your life is not perfect then you should not judge me and try to change any situation of mines. and GOD help me with this one, its not my SITUATION its my LIFE.

Because Its Worth It

people always ask me about my life. ask me why i make the decisions i make. and this is the only sincere answer i can come up with before going into a full on hour long story of my life :

BECAUSE ITS WORTH IT =)

Those You Love Hurt You The Most

people always say "those you love hurt you the most" and if it wasn't true before its definitely true today. my situation is a horrible one and i never in my wildest dream would have thought my life would feel so empty now, nor did i think i would feel like this again. betrayal is the most emotionally straining thing in the world to me. to betray my trust is like the worst thing you can do to me.

my so-called "best friend" is now telling everybody my personal business. she is taking it upon herself to let everyone know about my life. these people she are telling don't know me from a box of cookies but she feels the need to completely step outside of our friendship and our trust and just open her mouth to anyone who will listen. once again i say, she is not a friend.

my relationship with this guy is my business but now i guess its everyone business. i guess what i want and am happy with doesn't matter. my feelings do not matter obviously. never did she stop to think how this would effect my life and/or my feelings.

why would she do that to me? why would she dare tell a soul the things i do in my life that i didn't give her permission to tell. yet again i say, this is my life and if i wanted to share it with someone then i would but since i didn't go to the person myself that is, in my book, betrayal. i feel like crap. she makes me seem so pathetic and wrong.

now i dont have a soul to run to because she ruined that for me. she ruined any stability i had. i loved this girl like she was my sister but now i cant imagine us being friends again. although i believe in forgiveness things will never be the same. its so true what they say, you know, and if it wasn't then it is now.

Friends - Are they really ??

I have always thought that i had wonderful friends. i have never kept around a crappy friend or person for that matter. But even though people make mistakes doesn't mean they are a horrible person. I understand that people make mistakes and I try very hard to try to get over them and to never dwell on them. I don't judge. I do, however, see how long the mistake effects me and if i get over it in a day or two then i say "people make mistakes" and move on with my life and ultimately keep them in it. But I think when people don't realize they have even made a mistake is what leads to quick termination. When people openly don't respect me or my feelings toward something it quickly begins to destroy any friendship or relationship we had or have. i just cant tolerate it.

Recently a friend, a very best friend, told a secret about me and my relationship with a guy. I was crushed and still am. I told her previously not to say anything to anybody about anything but obviously what i say and how i feel and the promise that she made means nothing.

I was having a great week. I saw the love of my life two days in a row, which has never happened, and i was above my natural high. But as the day comes to an end i get a very disturbing text about how my best friend squealed on me and now my high is gone.

I just believe that this is my life to live and either you deal with the decisions that i make with a closed mouth and a smile or you leave me alone all together. I am not a little girl and I never have been. I have been through more than other people can bear so I promise i know what I'm doing. I was happy with the decisions i made and i took responsibility for them and even though someone else didn't doesn't mean you have to say anything. I live and have always lived a complicated life. I have always done things that people don't understand and have always tolerated pain for others but that's who i am and i see no change coming.

The excuse of trying to help me and how i shouldn't have to deal with this means nothing to me because i read what she said and it was completely unnecessary and meant to hurt someone. I was exposed by the person I thought would never tell a soul. I was wrong again.

And yes i know that you were there for me and i for you but this is taking "sticking up" to another level. Never have i ever told even one of your secrets to another person. never have i embarrassed you the way you hurt me today. I could have potentially lost the love of my life and all you say is "so". that's not a friend. I kept things the way they were because that's the way they worked and because they didn't work for you then you felt the need to open your mouth to someone other than me? that's not a friend. a friend sticks by you no matter what idiot decisions you make. a friend love you through everything. a friend is not what you are.

my life is my life and I'm the one who has to live it. you can either be a part of it or leave. its your choice.

The Beginning

This is the beginning of my aspiration to be a journalist or writer. Actually, I dont think you can call it the beginning because I have been writing since I was 14 years old. Most of my writing revolves around my life and all the things I have experienced and been through in my short but long 17 years of life. Some is about other people, friends, family, and significant others. I like to think that my opinion matters somewhere in the world. I have a lot to say and/or write. I usually use myspace or facebook for my blogging but I decided to upgrade and actually have a blog page specifically for blogging. Throughout my blog I will discuss things previously stated above and movies, TV shows, my feelings, phones and other things that I may be thinking about. This is just a preview of what my blog is so thanks for reading and/or following me =) it is much appreciated.